Need more weights?

I think I will stay on using the daily prompts. It gives me something to get rid of the guilt over having set up a blog and, yet again, ignoring it as I avoid whatever I’m avoiding. And it keeps down the feeling that I can’t write anything because it won’t get out of my head and to the “paper”. The paper is either actual paper or the computer screen.

But, it does have a very big significance for me. Today’s prompt, that is. I keep many to my detriment. These are the ones I fail at trying to adapt or release.  Others, I have found have changed or disappeared as time has gone by. I’m proud of that. Now, to get rid of the other ones.

On a upside, I’ve found that my expectation of looking nice has changed. For me, it isn’t so much a “Everyone else must approve” feeling, but more of a “do I like what I have on”. From there, I’ve found more people saying nice things about what I have. It also helps me lose that emotional weight, which makes me more approachable. I was especially surprised to discover, upon this gradual change, that people found it cool that I have either long worn clothes and a lot of thrift store clothes. I’ve even gotten questions about how I’ve taken such good care of the clothes I have. Maybe that says more about our society, though, and how much we toss and don’t figure how to reuse. Which reminds me that I need to get my pinstripe trousers tailored so I can wear them again.

One I can’t shake though, is the expectation of my family. Do I want to shake it? For some of them, yes. Others, no. I acknowledge I am doing the best I can. But, I can NOT just push any bad feelings away. I am learning to deal with them. I’ve been working on it for the past five years, but I’ve been doing the opposite for thirty years. To expect me to magically be better is wrong and a weight I don’t want. In fact, I need that to disappear. Do I have an expectation for them to change it? No, I know better. So, we fight over it and nobody feels better after.

I’ve accepted I’m not perfect. Especially when I make food. I’m learning to drop the expectation of my first attempt at a food to be perfect. I haven’t yet dropped the expectation of the kids to make comments and say no to something if they didn’t like the last attempt. Do I wish they would? Yeah. But, now I have found a backup, even if I don’t like it. It’s called freezer lunch. I’ll eat it all now mainly because I really have discovered that it does help on days where I don’t feel like cooking.

I now expect myself to eat at least twice a day. What have I done to provide for that? I make dinners to freeze every week or two. So far, I’ve done it the last two weeks. One recipe I remade the second week, though I still had some already in the freezer. I’m working first on all the entrees and soups that are not flat frozen and take more space. For some reason, I see myself having a much better selection in a couple of weeks. It may even get to the point where I only have to cook once a month. Depends on the freezer though.

I’m expecting a few future issue to crop up. First one, the girls and my plan to put them on the same freezer plan. Well, that is, they get freezer meals for when I’m at work and they need to eat. Though, I may have a freezer night on nights where my ability to cook doesn’t exist. And I do expect for that to happen. Another issue will be our sleeping schedules and them NOT fighting while I’m sleeping. They have a penchant for tormenting each other when they are bored or feeling lonely. And that NEEDS to change.

So, like I said, this prompt brings up a lot for me. Perhaps it’s a good thing to put out at times though.

via Daily Prompt: Expectation

After sitting too long….

I am trying another way to maybe keep me writing. I’m honest that I have a hard time driving myself to do much during the winter. It takes me so long to get moving yet I don’t want to sleep. Having an opinion seems to require too much effort occasionally. This is the season, I suppose.

All this makes me feel like I ebb into where a lukewarm response (ha, I can figure how to explain this into a post) is the best effort I can make. I can’t blame the weather this year because it never stays cold enough for me to stay curled up under the blankets. I wish it would though. I keep saying to myself that a lukewarm response to everything is still much better than the numbness I used to feel. That I would feel all the time, which I still don’t want to go back to. It’s odd that I would feel excited apparently to be able to have that ehh response over none. Small victories are still victories, I suppose.

My response to this is to listen when someone says something to me. Not just hear it, but acknowledge it and process it to the final response. Another thing is to recognise any effort I make towards something. Like getting my butt back on here after all the days of just sleeping or running around. Or playing Civilization Beyond Earth to all hours of the night.

Another good is knowing I have my freezer full for work this week. Down side, I still have a couple more meals to make because I need to use up a couple more veggies I bought that are ready to turn. But, I can’t pull beyond that lukewarm feeling to do it. It keeps me from doing too much, which is never a good thing. I know I’ll hear, most likely, compliments about how it’ll smell as its cooking and that it’ll end up tasting good. Then, I’ll get teased over having a full meal every night at work while everyone else has only a sandwich, a package of restaurant leftovers, or fast food. And a full meal includes an earlier amount of soup. Twelve hours is a long time and I spend around four hours going back and forth to work. But, it also doesn’t get much of a rise from me.

My wonder is currently: What will give me more than a lukewarm reaction? Could this be my cabin fever; this lack of broad reaction being an effect of not having much social interaction outside what is necessary? Perhaps we’ll see as the year goes on.

Lukewarm

Randomness

Tonight’s post is brought to you by my lack of time. I spent a lot of the day putting my name for higher paying jobs. It’s nice to have experience which allows me to ask for higher pay. Then, we had dinner and a nicely done band concert. This is my first time able to squeeze in a few minutes to update.

I’ve discovered a couple more recipes that I want to make this week for me. The sad part is that I am not working as many hours, so less frozen meals to take in. But, this also gives me more hours to try products for review and the ability to build a backlog of frozen dishes.

I want to make a comparison on a couple toners and what I have seen as different and therefore not  a working replacement. Another post I want to do is good budget products that are worth buying. Lastly, I have ready to type some more reviews that need to come here. I am probably weird in that I write a paper draft and then type it up after. But, I find that it helps me do a proper review with all I want to say.

Last word: Do not skip breakfast if you have been regularly eating it. Since my normal day was messed up, I did. This caused me to end up getting dizzy and not good. Perhaps if one has eaten enough late enough in the evening, then skipping breakfast can work. But, not when eating lightly day after day and feeling better from doing so. So, remember breakfast. This is the end of my public warning.

Better post next time.